Mario Eats a Twinkie
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: Poor Mario can't seem to catch a break, even when it comes to something as simple as a creamy sponge cake.


It was a fine day for grabbing your favourite snack and making an excellent meal out of it. Mario was a plumber who had been working hard all day collecting coins and squashing Goombas. He had the perfect excuse to delight in a delicious break. He hobbled over with his fat Italian gait and slipped into the closest store. He quickly selected a tasty treat: a Hostess Twinkie!

"This looks pretty good!" beamed Mario. He walked into the line where a few of the kinder and more civilized Koopas were making their own purchases. A couple of minutes left, Mario approached the register and greeted the Shy Guy clerk with a tip of his signature red cap. "I would like to buy myself this great snack!"

"That'll be twelve coins, sir," said the Shy Guy. Mario only had eleven coins though. He quickly slid a finger into his nifty bulbous nose and pulled out his lucky stash. Mario now had enough to get the Twinkie.

"I knew that coin would come in-a handy!" laughed Mario. He handed the loot to the clerk and grabbed his Twinkie. He ran outside and hummed a happy tune. "I can now enjoy this delectable morsel!"

Mario peeled off the plastic wrap and licked his oily gloves as they picked up the glazy residue. Mario brought the Twinkie close to his nose and sniffed up the goodness. He smiled as he became more and more satisfied by the aroma. Mario took one more big sniff of the treat; he wanted to take it all in before devouring to his heart's content. However, Mario inhaled a little too strongly and this led to the Twinkie slipping into his left nostril. Mario cried out in surprise as the sponge cake climbed up his nasal passage. He was also alarmed that nearly the whole thing had just about disappeared up inside the cavity.

Mario's nose was like his good friend Kirby. Inhaling the whole Twinkie enough to startle anyone after all. Mario tried not to get to alarmed and slowly pinched the end of the Twinkie that was still outside of his nose. Mario carefully jostled the stick so as to not break the delicate substance as he pried it free. It did not help that the treat was slippery and the sun was casting a melting sensation across the poor plumber.

Mario was having a lot of trouble getting a good hold of the Twinkie; he considered using some tweezers, but that would mean he would have to travel all the way home for the proper extraction. He realised that such a trek would probably cause the Twinkie to get further lodged within the confines of his olfactory cavities.

"DUKE!" cried Mario as his hand continued to slip more and more. He was hardly making any progress. "This is so stupid!"

A bratty young Goomba snuck up behind Mario and delivered a swift kick to the rump. Mario toppled over and fell flat on his face. The Goomba laughed like the inconsiderate jerk he was and toddled away before the plumber rose.

Mario was dazed, but still kicking. He quickly jutted upwards and cried out a loud "mama mia". He grabbed his nose with his right hand and his eyes widened in horror. The entire Twinkie was gone and it felt as though the whole thing was trapped deep inside. Mario could still feel it and it was starting to hurt a little bit. He could feel in the back of his throat that the Twinkie had started poking downwards. It had begun to exit the nasal passage and was making way for the junction containing his windpipe and esophagus. "I can't lose this…" he said with a determined frown.

Mario stood up and started dry-heaving to see if he could bounce around the muscles surrounding his sinuses. He wiggled his nose with his hand in order to extract what was left inside that area. Mario was making progress this time fortunately, because he was sensing the taste more and more. This meant that he was getting nearer to his tongue. Mario smiled on the inside at this fact, but kept his frown intact. He did not want to mess this extraction process up by any means.

Mario kept up his procedure, but there was another issue about to rear its ugly head into his business. The little Goomba had returned and saw Mario still struggling. The Goomba thought that bullying Mario was fun, and also thought he was pretty good at it since last time. It bolted over to the red plumber and kicked him square in the tush once again. Mario tripped and fell over onto his face again.

Fortunately, the attack was strong enough to launch the Twinkie out of place. Mario coughed as his face hit the ground. The Twinkie landed on the ground right next to Mario's head. The Goomba giggled rudely and ran off before Mario came to his senses and clobbered him.

"Oh… my nose feels a little better now, I guess…" said Mario woozily. He looked down at his mucus-covered Twinkie. "Oh no!" He picked up the fallen soldier and whimpered quietly. "It got on the ground and now it has-a germs!" Mario sadly studied the crud-coated food item. He felt much strife now. He also felt torn between his next option. "I can't just let it go to waste. I paid every coin I had for this!"

Mario ran into the store again, cradling his poor damaged Twinkie in his arms. "I need to borrow a spare room where I won't get-a kicked," Mario said to the Shy Guy clerk.

The clerk looked up from his hardware catalog and pointed to a door labeled: "janitor". "We don't actually have a janitor. I'm the one who does all the cleaning around here," said the clerk. "You can take a breather in there." He then looked down at Mario's disgusting lunch. "What are you going to do with that?"

"Everything," Mario said with a fierce, but heroic look adorning his entire presence. The clerk was taken aback by how determined he looked. "I need this more than anything." With that, Mario entered the closet and slammed the door shut.

"I understand," nodded the clerk, smiling behind his mask.

"Finally!" cried Mario as he pulled the light switch and lit up the tiny room. He squatted down and laid his Twinkie on the floor. He frowned as he examined the damage closer. He quickly pulled out a box of cleansing wipes and laid the Twinkie between two sheets. He hoped this would delay further contamination.

Mario breathed a sigh of relief and then realised that his Twinkie deserved better. He took out a can of disinfectant spray and doused it with the cleaner. He dipped the Twinkie in the leftover mop-bucket water and washed off the suds. The Twinkie was starting to grow grey as it absorbed the water. Mario gasped as the sponge cake expanded from the intake. Mario felt the sogginess overtake the overall structure of the pastry. He quickly pulled it out and brought it back to his chest, cradling it again. "My poor boy…" he said with tears welling up higher and higher with each passing second.

Mario knew he had to make things right with his meal. He found a plastic baggy and gently laid the Twinkie inside. He then tied up the bag and slung it over his shoulder. Mario exited the janitor's closet and thanked the clerk for his hospitality.

Mario ran home, being very careful to avoid excessive jumping. He wanted his Twinkie to survive; it might still be edible and he could not afford to harm it any more. He hoped his house would be a safe enough place for repairs to be made.

Mario finally arrived just as the sun was setting. Luigi opened the door to greet his brother. "Hey, bro! How was your day?" Mario rudely shoved his brother out of the way without a word. Luigi gasped and gave him a dirty look. He then saw the Twinkie on Mario's back and completely understood. Luigi sat down at the table and put his hands over his eyes. Tears started dripping down his palms. "Save him, bro…" he quietly wailed.

Mario entered the bathroom and slowly removed the Twinkie from the baggy. He set it down on the sink and pulled out a bar of soap. He gently scrubbed the Twinkie, hoping further disinfecting was still possible. Mario pulled out a canister of liquid soap and squeezed a good amount of it onto the Twinkie. He wet a facecloth in lukewarm water and scrubbed a bit more.

Much to his disappointment, the Twinkie was looking worse and worse with each scrub. He pulled out a tube of toothpaste and a toothbrush and started scrubbing the Twinkie more intricately. Hopefully the greening blemishes that were starting to develop would persist once he paid more excruciating attention.

But it was still no use. Luigi slid into the room wringing his hands in dismay. "I don't think we can save it," he moaned. Mario got angry due to his high stress levels. He lifted a hand and punched Luigi hard in the nose. Luigi's nose shot out a stream of blood and mucus that flew onto the Twinkie. Mario cried in horror and he jumped on top of his brother and voraciously beat him until his own knuckles bled.

Unfortunately, Mario's crazed actions had caused enough shaking within the room to jostle the sink. The contents on top bounced into the toilet beside it, Twinkie included. Mario heard the faint "ploop" sound as he lifted his fist for another go at Luigi's sorry face. He quickly turned to the toilet and looked inside. He reached a hand inside and pulled out the Twinkie; it was soaking wet. Mario cried out again. Luigi attempted to return to his feet.

"I'm so sorry, bro," said Mario between tears. "I should've known better than try to fix this all on my own. I should have asked for your help. I was just too flustered to think. I can't believe I hit you like that!"

"It's okay, bro…" said Luigi as he rubbed his sore nose. "Maybe we can still save it if we work together."

"Okay…"

All of a sudden, the wall to the bathroom blasted open, revealing the evil King Bowser riding his goofy Koopa Clown Car. Bowser laughed and breathed fire at the Mario brothers. They were able to dodge the attack, but one of the flaming bullets got too close. Mario had a tough time dodging this one and he tripped. The Twinkie flew out of Mario's hand and landed on the toilet seat. Mario cried out and Luigi rushed to save the Twinkie.

Bowser laughed at the chaos he was causing. He jumped out of his vehicle, shaking the Twinkie back into the bowl before Luigi could save it. Bowser batted Luigi out of the way effortlessly and laughed heartily. "I'm about ready to TAKE! MY! TIME!"

SLAM!

"No!" cried Mario, he ran up to Bowser with a flaming fist of fury, but it was too late.

KA-BOOM!

"Bowser… why?" said Mario as he slammed his fist into the ground, creating a crater of anger.

"Tough luck, Mario bros!" cackled Bowser. "Looks like you're just gonna have to git gud and be ready for me next time!" Bowser grabbed a wad of toilet paper and slammed the flusher. He jumped into his Koopa Clown Car and took off, trailing the paper as he flew away.

Mario wept bitterly as he heard the toilet's water refill. Luigi limped over to him and placed a loving hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, bro. There was nothing we could have done…"

"I'm so-a sad…" Mario turned to his brother and gave him a big hug. "I could have saved him if only I hadn't hit you…"

"There is one more way, Mario."

"I know…"

Several minutes later, Mario and Luigi dramatically reentered the bathroom. Mario carried a plunger and Luigi was lugging around a boombox that blasted "The Man" by The Killers. "Let's do this, Luigi," said Mario with a serious tip of his cap.

"I'm with you all the way, Mario," said Luigi returning his brother's hat tilt.

Mario summoned all of his inner plumber energy and took a deep breath. He then dove straight into the toilet. He slid down the drain and ended up in the sewers. Mario swam through all of the discarded scrap and scum floating all around him. As he did this, he felt the righteous vibes of Luigi's boombox reverberating through his spine. The tune of "Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind coursed through his veins as he swam through the pipes, gripping his trusty plunger all the way.

Mario gasped and nearly drowned when he saw his poor Twinkie still floating amongst the sewage. Mario frantically paddled over to the Twinkie and quickly snagged it before any more harm befell it. As he returned the Twinkie safely to his arms, Mario heard a loud clanking sound from up ahead. He was instantly sucked into a current and he and his snack were transported to another section of the pipeline.

Several days later, Mario was found washed up on the beach, grasping his Twinkie tightly to his chest. Luigi, Toad, and Wario had come to his rescue and each had to perform CPR in order to revive him. Mario coughed up a load of sewage and then uneasily stared down at his soggy, green Twinkie.

"Mario," said Luigi steadily, but with a tear slowly trickling down his face. "It's finally safe now…"

Mario looked up at Luigi and smiled. Toad and Wario smiled too. Mario looked back down at his Twinkie. He slowly brought the treat to his lips. He took a quick nip of the spongey goodness and felt the delightful creamy essence enlighten his soul. Mario smiled the biggest smile he could muster as he dwelt in the first bite of the snack he had longed for after so much conflict.

And it was the most delicious thing he had ever eaten.

THE END


End file.
